Marriage 50 Years and Still Going
This year 2022, my wife, Edith, and I will reach the big “50.” That’s right: our 50th wedding anniversary, a milestone some friends believed would never be reached, not with the saintly Edith marrying the likes of me. Yes, it has been 50 years ago in small church in Iligan City Philippines when we said our vows. We first meet at a hospital where I was a new medical resident and she medical laboratory technologist.
How, you may ask, did we get this far? It’s simple. For the last 50 years, Edith has been busy taking care of everybody and I was busy making a living.
Ha, ha, ha… No? That is not a joke. If you’re so busy being away from each other, you treasure every moment you’re together. Not much time to see and focus on each other’s faults.
For those still curious about how we managed to last all these years, I offer this advice: Once the knot is tied, leave it alone or keep it that way.
Joking aside, marriage is like a garden. It needs intentional care and cultivation. When weeds grow, they must be pulled up from the root immediately. If we don’t pull up weeds by the root, they will continue to grow back, eventually overtaking and killing the garden.
Too many folks get married, only to end up worrying their marriages to death. “Is our marriage working?” is one of the more asinine questions that get asked.
Consider this: clocks, computers, cellphones, radios, televisions, guns, electric toothbrushes, light switches work … or they don’t. Marriage isn’t a thing. It can’t be taken apart, fiddled with, and fixed. Neither will it respond to constant flyspecking. Meaning trying to focus on each other’s faults, attempting to make the other a perfect person.
Marriage, in fact, does nothing. It is the state in which couples voluntarily place themselves, either in the eyes of God, the state, or both. The question is not whether a marriage is working; it’s whether the two people wedded are clicking.
On that score (and this I learned the hard way) life can be just hunky-dory in a household when, as in my case, one does exactly as one has been told. Oh yes, I must admit, in the early years I resisted. In my profession as a doctor, I am used to giving orders when directing patient care. Winning the day, having the last word, being in charge of all that I surveyed were the goals. I have realized it was a waste of time and energy that I would love to have back at this late stage in life. By the way, I still have the last word saying, yes mom, as you say so.
But it’s also knowing that when it comes to facing life’s challenges, two are better than one. Two people, a partnership sharing the highs and lows, hurts and triumphs, holding back little, whether good or bad.
Then there’s discovery. What fools are young folks who think that they know all there is to know about each other when they lock eyes and say “I do.” It is the rare married couple that is not learning something new about each other long after heads turn gray. Get this: When the wedding clothes and paraphernalia are packed away, there’s still a lot of learning to do, both about yourself and about the person with whom you have pledged to spend the rest of your life. Before we got married, Edith told me she could cook. Remembering that first meal she cooked still brings joy to my heart. By popular demand by our children, she is the family cook and I’m the janitor. She made sure I was trained well. Yes, marriage is a partnership, and each has their roles in the relationship. It is not a competitive endeavor.
It does not matter how long the relationship existed before the nuptials. Discovery begins after family and guests have moved off into the night. Warning: You’d better have a sense of humor, and a capacity for tolerance. And take the words of Ruby and Ossie to heart: “Develop a talent for knowing when you stumble, where to fall, and how to get up again.” Remember, flexibility or adaptability is the key to survival. It is also a sign of higher intelligence. This prayer has helped not only in our life together as a couple but in other aspects of our lives; “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”–Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr
A lot of the stress in marriage is avoidable when both parties are aware of stressful triggers. Here are 10 things to do to reduce stress in your marriage:
1. Always put your spouse first.
This is a huge principle and key to reducing relationship stress. Ideally, a husband and wife will put the other first, but you only have control over your behavior.
2. Have fun together.
Movies, walks, picnics, games, trips…not just fun but hilarity. Laughing together is great relationship medicine.
3. Build together time into your schedule.
Time with your spouse shouldn’t be relegated to the status of leftovers. Your relationship with your spouse trumps all other priorities and schedules. If that means scrawling “Relax together” on the calendar in indelible marker, then so be it.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
When you feel the first inklings of stress, ask yourself, “Is this a moral issue?” If not (nine times out of ten it isn’t), then let it go. Make your mutual priorities a recurring topic of conversation. Remind yourselves what really counts. Simplify your lifestyle. Celebrate what you have in each other.
5. Give back, and do it together.
Work at the soup kitchen; volunteer with a faith-based community; hook up with a group that helps the less fortunate or restores the environment. Throw yourselves into charitable causes together, and watch things fall into perspective.
6. Communicate clearly and respectfully.
Like sit-com fodder, misunderstandings are the source of a lot of tension. Always keep your spouse in the loop, and always communicate with love and good manners.
7. Tell the truth.
Remember the old adage, “When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember what you said the last time.” People who don’t keep secrets experience less stress in relationships.
8. Hold hands, hug and make out.
Physical contact is a proven stress reliever. Squeeze into the same chair to watch TV; just hang all over one another. Reach out and take your spouse’s hand while walking, driving, or at an event. Be deliberate about demonstrating affection via physical contact.
9. Play to your strengths and hers.
Effective teachers know that playing to a student’s strengths works better than focusing on any weaknesses. Pay attention to your spouse’s strengths: build up, affirm, and encourage. Criticism always leads to more stress.
10. Live within your means.
Money problems are the leading cause of stress in American marriages. Take preventative measures to work this one out. Remember #4, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Most of the stuff we get into debt over is simply not worth the stress.
Don’t be afraid. Love is what holds marriage together. A little tenacity doesn’t hurt, either. So back to where this Golden Anniversary musing began (ignoring, of course, the bad jokes): Don’t pick marriage to death. Besides, think of comic Rita Rudner, who said she loves being married, adding: “It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Well, I did not want to leave out the most important part of our relationship that has kept us together, that is our the strong faith in a God that loves and cares for us no matter what circumstances that we encounter in our lives.
Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13.5
Thank you for your wise counsel. Please give me a permission to use your love story as one of my resources. God bless.
You’re welcome. Yes, share it anyway to help make a better world. God, bless you too as you minister to other.
Yes you got my permission to use it as one of your resources. Thank you for kind words.
Laurence T. Gayao MD
Thank you. Sure whatever I post, you are free to use. As they say spread the love and good vibes.